As I start to figure out a bit more about who I am and what I want, I continually happen upon this overwhelming fear that I won’t succeed. It’s a small voice at first, speaking slowly in a hushed tone, “You’re not doing enough, and ultimately you’ll fail.” Some days it’s a low whisper that sneaks its way through my wandering thoughts, other days it’s a loud holler that is constantly echoing in my mind. I began to worry that my, usually optimistic spirit would be broken as I scrolled through, what seemed like an endless stream of rejection emails. I thought about what I could do to nip this cloud of stress-and-anxiety in the bud, before it consumed me completely.
This is where that whole, ‘asking for help’ thing comes along.
I have been getting advice and encouragement from every source imaginable and I could not be more grateful. They weren’t kidding when ‘they’ said after graduation things change. I have come to realize that full well. Along with this realization, sparked another: that who I am, is not defined by what job I have or will have. I am so much more than that. I have had a job since I was sixteen years old. Up until now, working (and school) was what filled my time. It only makes sense that my hands are getting antsy to have a plan of action once I finish up with the All Stars. But sometimes, it’s important to just say enough.
It may sound silly, but when your days are consumed with phone interviews, LinkedIn updates, resume tweaks, and the ever-so sincere, ‘Thank you for your interest, unfortunately–‘ emails, you really start to question your identity (not to mention, your sanity).
It was during one of my excessive application submitting days when I stopped suddenly, and thought of all I had accomplished in the last year. Then it hit me–life is much more than work. There is so much more I want to do. Yes, working is important to me–for a lot of different reasons, but what is also important is not losing a sense of self amidst it all.The most important thing for me to remember is that I am first, and foremost, Leighann. I am a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a best friend–a daughter of the Most High. And sure, these few months ahead may be uncertain and a little bit frightening, but those things remain to be true. I don’t have to be–I don’t want to be defined by a job or what I end up pursuing as an advanced degree.
I want to be, ME.
And when the question arises in my mind, ‘well, who are you then?’.
I know I’ll be able to answer it.