Learning to Smile & Grow Lessons Learned Life love New Beginnings Self Care

So, What Do You Want?

Knowing what you want out of life is important. Wouldn’t you agree?

Because when we know what we want, we’re able to get a better sense of where we’re headed. Or at least, what direction we’d like to head towards. Sometimes, we want things so badly, but they never come to pass. And that’s life. And that’s okay, too. What’s important is knowing what it is you want, and either just doing it (my dad’s catchphrase) or taking steps to get to the start of doing whatever it is.

I was asked recently, point-blank: “Well, what is it that you want, then?” And I honestly, at the time, couldn’t seem to find an answer. It’s kind of absurd if you think about it, really.

With a dramatic shrug, I looked down at my lap and sighed, “I don’t know.”

Thinking back to that conversation, I’m starting to realize that I say, “I don’t know” an awful lot. This concerns me. What is it exactly that I don’t know? Like I haven’t conjured up a million ways that my future could go. Like I haven’t dreamt about what I hope to do for a profession. Like I’ve never thought about what my family will look like in 10 years. I’ve done a heck of a lot of thinking about my life and future. So why then, all of a sudden, can’t I seem to know what it is that I want?

It makes no sense to me, either.

I think that, maybe–just maybe, I’m scared of what I want.

Following still?

No?

It’s cool, I’ll lead you.

When you want something badly, it’s kind of a risk, right? Like, oh I really want to go see Beyonce live one day (which I am, shoutout to this year’s mother’s day gift). Like, that is someone’s dream. Somewhere. So they get all excited, buying her CD’s and t-shirts and consistently defending her honor on social media, etc. When the time comes around to buy the tickets–the moment they’ve been waiting for their whole, entire lives (people do exist like this, guys. Google it.)–they find out the tickets are completely sold out! Collective, “Awwww” But it’s their dream, you say. Man, life is so unfair, you say.

I know, I get it. (but, I’m not giving my ticket away–you snooze you lose, bruh.)

Moving on.

But you see where I’m going, right? The disappointment. The heart-shattering ache of not getting what you wanted. They were probably better off not ever liking Beyonce or trying to get the tickets. Right?

Wrong.

I don’t know about you, but when I want something, it takes up a place in my heart. A good ol’ chunk of space. When what I want comes to me, that space is filled no longer with longing and hope, but with joy and excitement and gladness and thankfulness!

But when it doesn’t come to me. That place becomes heavy with that longing and waning hope. It’s not filled with those things I mentioned above. Instead, it’s filled with sadness, discouragement, apathy, frustration and even, anger. And who wants that mess in their heart? Not me, no thank you.

Which is why I think, when the question of “Well, what do you want?” echoed through my mind, I couldn’t come up with an answer.

Maybe it’s easier not to want. That way, no one gets let down or feels like they didn’t do enough when something doesn’t happen or show up. Easy solution!

But is it the right one?

I will say this: when something is staring straight at you and you start to feel that familiar pang of wanting–you’re going to need to come up with an answer to that very same question. What do you want?

Indecision is a decision too, you know. And from experience, it’s not a decision that usually ends well. In a sense, it’s a lose-lose conclusion to a potentially beautiful story.

So, where am I going with this? Well, for starters, I’m going to need to come up with a better catchphrase than I don’t know. While catchy (sarcasm), it’s not exactly the saying I want to have following me around wherever I go.

I’d rather be a person who is sure. A woman who maybe (read: definitely) doesn’t have her life figured out even 32% or know exactly what her career will look like in 5 years or have even the slightest idea about what the right age is to get married–BUT still, a woman that has the courage to know what she wants and goes for it. Even if that means disappointment is inevitably going to happen sometimes. Because, you know what? That’s life. But we walk in confident hope that there is also inevitably more than failure or disappointment in our future. Yes?

Look, times will come when things just don’t line up the way we’d hoped they would, but get this, there will be joys and successes too. And I’d rather be led by that hope than by fear any day.

Also, it’s a process, so don’t beat yourself up if you’re not there yet. I know we all have a lot of growing still left to do. Meditate on this with me, will you?

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 

– 2 Timothy 2:7

See, we don’t always get what we want. Read: I don’t always get what I want. And that sucks. I’m thinking: dang, I thought I tried hard enough. I should get it–

Like, why didn’t this come through for me?

Well, sometimes things just aren’t for you. And that’s okay–because God is (mic drop).

You’re going to have some great days where some great things will be for you.  And on those days you’ll stop and wonder just how you got so blessed to deserve it.

Whatever is for you, can never not be for you. – Mom

XO,

Leigh

Any thoughts on what I’ve shared through this post?
I’d love to hear from you!
-You can comment below if you’re so inclined-
Let’s walk together on this journey of learning and growing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 Comments
Previous Post
May 13, 2016
Next Post
May 13, 2016

3 Comments

  • Anonymous

    What do you want? What do I want? I’m not sure–but now I want to challenge that!

  • Anonymous

    “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” Never give up! Have you ever see the cartoon of a stork (bird) trying to swallow the frog? The frog reached out and wraps his or her hands around the stork’s neck, the stork cannot swallow or can it breathe. Guest what, who do you think will win?

  • Aunt Betty

    Congratulations Leighann. I am so proud of you.

Leave a Reply

Related Posts

Instagram

  • I stand in awe of my God. Did you know that He's a creative genius? Have you ever stopped to marvel at God's brilliant, creative designs? What's stopping you? I had to write about the marvelous creativity of God up on the blog - you can check it out by clicking the link in my bio. Better yet, close out this app right now and go outside. Or just stare creepily and intently  at someone right next to you (just kidding, this is not recommended). But seriously, take some time today to be in awe of God's handiwork. Or just take a look in the mirror 🌻
  • Dinner date last night with the homies. Two words: Pork Wontons 👌🏾@palmhousesf
  • I never realized that by taking things into my own hands, that I might be robbing God of His rightful glory. May I always desire to see God's glory through my waiting and longing. May I continue to wait until my dependence is completely on Him. (That moment when you realize it's not all about you) 😳
  • Rock city. Rock, rock city. Enjoyed celebrating 🌏 & meeting new friends. #instagood
  • I don't think I'm being dramatic when I say that @sweetbellyoakland was the best part of my week.
  • "A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there."

On the 'gram