Dating Diaries

RE: Can I Be Honest?

Recently, I wrote a post about one of my deepest longings and hopes to have a significant other in my life. In case you wanted an update, here it is. Through that post, I’ve received immense love, support and beautiful words of encouragement from various people God has placed in my life.

If I might share something with you, it would be that you are not alone in feeling that way. You are also not wrong for feeling that way. There is a certain reason why you have that desire. Not so that you can just have the desire in vain. 
Maybe, your desire to be married is not simply a desire. It could be that you were made to do more for God as a married woman. You can obviously do so much as a single woman, but with someone that loves God too — oh, the places you can go.

Seeing God move is such a blessing to me, and I am often dumbstruck about how amazing He really is. Recently, I’ve been spending more time with Him through prayer (I’m using the Abide App in case you’re interested) and He’s been faithful to show me who He is and who He is shaping me into.

It’s been a weird couple of months for me, if I’m being honest, but I know it’s purposeful and that it’s for my growth. Blah, blah, blah.

Just because I know growth is a good thing, doesn’t make it easier or feel good. It’s hard to grow and learn lessons you don’t really feel like learning at certain times. But through my devotions, I’ve learned that giving thanks during those hard, disappointing and downright ugly-cry moments, is key. Being thankful for how God has blessed my life, even when it’s hard to focus on the good parts, is really the only way I can get through confusing and difficult situations sometimes. Including this season of singleness (there are just some Christian-nese words that make me cringe and I can’t bring myself to fully accept, and “season” is one of them).

I digress.

I’m about to be honest with you all again, so bear with me: recently, I asked God to take away this desire to have a significant other and find romantic love. I really did. I know that sounds weird, but I figured that God is omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent. If anyone can take away this strong desire and longing, He can. I just wanted to throw this heavy burden off and find peace about it. I just wanted to be happy with who I am and who God is making me–not continually dwell on something that I have no control over. But it’s never that simple, is it?

God is showing me that the only reason I asked Him to take away this desire, is because He knows I don’t trust Him with it. And yea, maybe He’s–no He is absolutely right. I don’t. I never have really, and recently I’m learning that it’s still hard to trust Him with something that is so precious and potentially fragile to me. So, I’m praying for this too: to trust that God really has my back and cares deeply about this part of my life. Even when it doesn’t seem like He does. Correction: Especially when it doesn’t seem like He does.

Remember when I told you I felt awkward sharing that I was looking for romantic love?

No?

Wow.

Read it here.

Anyway, I did and I couldn’t quite place where I’d heard this idea that I somehow wasn’t “in love” with God enough because I still sought a romantic relationship. Probably a lie that I made up in my head, knowing me. But either way, I felt like maybe I was just weird in this way of thinking, because I’ve never heard anyone else put it into words before. That is, until I stumbled across Debra Fileta’s email in my inbox this morning. Her article,  “Jesus Can’t Be Your Boyfriend” explained a time in her life (aka a season) when she too felt this guilt.

“I used to feel this terrible guilt when I was single.  I would hear these phrases about Jesus being my boyfriend, and Jesus filling my heart, and Jesus being all I needed. I felt guilty for longing for a husband.  Guilty that Jesus wasn’t filling the voids and deficits in my heart.  Guilty that Jesus was not “enough” for me, because deep down I longed to be in a relationship, to find true love, and to hurry up and get married!”
(source)

It got me thinking, it’s so easy to say God is my significant other or lover.

Except when it’s not.

It’s harder to say that and think that way when you’re lonely on a Friday night and want to share a laugh with someone or go out and be treated to a nice dinner (or brunch, because let’s be real, brunch is where it’s at).

It’s harder to say that when your friends are planning couples’ dates and meet-ups. And of course they’d invite you if you asked, but why would you?

It’s harder to say that when you just want someone to physically be there and hold your hand or give you a great, big bear hug.

And before you tell me, girl you could do that on your own or with your friends! Please don’t think I just stay home and longingly wait for Prince Charming to throw rocks at my window. If I want to go see a movie or be social or go out to eat (brunch or otherwise), I do it. Life goes on, and I know it. I have no time to sit around in a constant pity party.

That’s not my point.

Yes, it is true that God is the ultimate lover of my soul and heart. I desire to know Him more and to be in communication with Him always, because without Him I am nothing. I recognize and fully embrace that.

However, He has created me. All of me. With all of my desires, hopes, dreams and  longings in mind. They are not just parts of me that I’ve picked up along my way through life. They are parts of me that He created with intention and care. Which is what I am learning through His Word and through prayer.

So my point is, that even though those things that I listed above could be considered trivial and ultimately not the most important things in life, they are still a part of a deeper longing and desire that I hold within me.

And there’s nothing wrong with that* (I guess, I’m more saying this to myself than anyone else and I need to remind myself of this more often).

All I know is that God’s not finished with me yet. Which I am both grateful for and low-key dreading.

I’ll keep you posted. Thanks again for reading. Check out the article I mentioned above–let me know what you think, I’m very open to hearing others’ ideas and feedback.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

— Romans 15:13

“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning.”

— Lamentations 3:22-23

XO, 

Leigh

*Also can I just say that after I, admittedly, got annoyed with God this morning and asked Him to remove this desire from my heart, my co-worker (who shares my faith in God) brings me this book on trusting God with your love life. Smh (fyi mom, that means shaking-my-head).

 

 

 

 

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Leighann

Twenty-something, lover of Jesus. I like animals (esp. dogs), Fun-Fetti cupcakes and yoga. I love God and do my best to love others. I hate too-warm weather and socks that fall into your shoes when you walk. I'm a huge fan of Christian rap and cold, sunny days.

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