Can I be honest with you? Like, really honest?
Okay, here it goes: I am looking for love. There, I said it.
Aren’t we all? One might say. Well, maybe. To be real with you, that’s such an awkward statement to type out. At least for me it feels that way. But maybe that’s just me.
I’m not sure why it’s so uncomfortable for me to, in some ways, admit that–but it is. I think it’s because everywhere I turn, or anyway I look at it, it seems like I shouldn’t have that desire. If that doesn’t make sense to you, I’ll try my best to explain.
I’ve been single my entire life–that in and of itself isn’t a bad thing at all. It doesn’t always feel so great either, but it is what it is. You can imagine the many cliche, yet I’m sure, true and well-meaning statements I’ve heard.
“Oh, you’ll find them when you’re least expecting it.”
“You’re so young–you should be out enjoying life and not worrying about that sort of thing right now.”
“He’s out there, you just haven’t met him yet.”
“Maybe you should just try reinventing yourself, get some confidence and knock ’em dead.”
All probably really true (annoyingly repetitive and cyclical, but true) statements I’ve heard time and time again from people that love and know me to people I’ve never met via blogs or articles floating around online. I’m learning that a) yea, he’s probably/maybe out there somewhere, b) I need to not focus so hard to find him and c) maybe a change isn’t a bad idea. It’s all very good and dandy to learn these things, and I try to keep them in mind as I live my life. And I find solace in the fact that it’s not like I’m just brooding around, not living my life either. I work full-time, five days a week, I’m taking steps toward graduate school, I volunteer a few hours every Saturday morning, do yoga twice a week after work–Pilates once a week, go to church on Sundays and occasionally attend Bible studies when I’m not too drained from everything else. Notice I didn’t count the number or hours I’m on my phone scrolling mindlessly through Facebook, Instagram and ThoughtCatalog–guilty as charged. And still there’s spending time with family and friends clumped somewhere in the middle of it all.
Where was I going with this? Oh yea…
Yet here I am, desiring a bit more.
And I don’t know why that desire makes me feel…bad. I don’t think it’s something anyone’s said or done to make me feel this way either. Of course, the only one responsible for my feelings is, well, me. Somehow along the road, I got it stuck in my brain that desiring romantic love is wrong. I have God, who else do I need? Wanting anything more, or ever feeling discontent with that, is just not right. That’s how it feels.
But is it true?
…oh, you were waiting for me to respond? Oh, no–I don’t have an answer, I was just putting it out there. Sorry if you thought otherwise…awkward.
This is all I got:
1 Corinthians 7:25-40
Long story, short: I’m wrestling with being content as a single person.
Recently, it’s been hard.
God has been moving and stretching and changing my heart.
He’s been wooing me and showing me who He is.
He’s been showing me His heart for me, and His longing for me, and His desire to see me grow in Him.
And it’s been beautiful.
Strangely beautiful, achingly uncomfortable and mind-blowing.
Do you ever have those times in your life where you just can’t hear God, or maybe you choose not to (guilty.)? And then, all of a sudden, you can’t stop hearing Him. He’s jumping up and down, shouting for my attention, turning my head in the direction to see where He’s moving me and whispering softly to my heart–all at once. And it’s amazing.
I don’t have the answers to the question above, but I’m not sure that that’s a bad thing–in time, I suppose.
This has been a post.